A Christmas to Never Forget

Initially I wrote a long and very intense piece about this day that will never be forgotten. But, I later decided (as you are seeing) not to give too much of the limelight to the negative stuff. In short, this Christmas was the loneliest and one of the longest days that I have ever endured. It started with a bus ride up from Lomé, which didn’t get to the monastery until midnight; followed by Colin receiving a box (mailed almost a week after one that was sent to me); and then a vigil ceremony lasting until 1h30. But I didn’t make it through, I felt more alone during that service than I have ever felt in my life. First Christmas away from the family while everyone else was in Philly? I couldn’t take it and the friends here are just that, not family. I went on a midmorning stroll, skipping out on the drums, dancing, and Tchuc after the vigil. I was out walking around and trying some music therapy until about 4 before slipping past the partygoers and passing out from exhaustion. When I woke up I ate a late breakfast, went to an early mass (at least the chapel was decorated), ate lunch and then spent the rest of the day dozing in and out of a dazed and tired state from all of the running throughout the preceding days. And every time I woke up, it was still December 25th. But aside from the homily at mass and the decent lunch you wouldn’t know it. It was nice not to be completely surrounded by all of the advertisements and rat race mentality, but at the same time I would have traded it all for someone to spend the holiday with. Colin was as close as it got, but his mind, like mine, was elsewhere.

Also there was no snow. I think that added some frustration, but I did have some snow/peanuts window stickies so I guess that nullifies the snow piece. Oh, and I finally found the big dipper in the night sky.

On that walk, I did manage to twist everything together as this Christmas still had a gift in store for me and while it was not wanted, it is definitely appreciated. That gift was, loneliness. As experiential learning has been a cornerstone of my life, I couldn’t turn a blind eye to something that was staring me in the face. I know what loneliness is (and I am not talking about the feeling when you are home alone), I have experienced it, I am living in it, and I am determined to never feel it again. It may sound crazy, but to me this “gift” beats out the shiny new laptop or camera. For someone like me, experience trumps tangibility any day of the week and twice on Sunday.